Zondervan Inspire

Avoid Drawing Blood

From the Editor: Good advice for us all.

Wishing you blessings today,

Keith

Author Catherine Johnson wrote a book fifteen years ago titled Lucky in Love. She's a PhD who was determined to figure out what deliriously happy married couples were so deliriously happy about. So she interviewed them — about a hundred couples in all. She found that at some point along the way, every happy couple had come to a critical point in their relationship where they would vociferously disagree but refuse to destroy each other in the process. "When we quarrel (and we will!), we're not going to do the kinds of things that will damage this relationship long-term," Johnson quoted these couples as saying. "When we disagree, we will not draw blood."

The moment I read that phrase, I decided to put it into practice in my work as well as in my marriage. Because I have deep feelings about so many kingdom issues, I have been known to express myself very passionately in meetings. And as you probably know, passion can beget passion. Effective leaders do not fear passion. They welcome it. But from time to time passionate discussions digress into personal attacks, and real people get really hurt. In my view, leaders must head that off before it happens.

From Axiom: Powerful Leadership Proverbs

by Bill Hybels

Any comments or testimonies today?

Healthy Relationships Maintain Balance

From the Editor: For task-oriented people like me, this is so important to remember.

Wishing you blessings today,

Keith 

"God does not demand of me that I accomplish great things. He does demand of me that I strive for excellence in my relationships."
—Ted W. Engstrom, The Making of a Christian Leader

There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to do great things for God — and accomplishing great things for him. The problem is that it's just too easy to start doing the great things for yourself and not for him. It can happen in the blink of an eye. Service is then replaced with selfishness. We all struggle with selfishness, so how do we protect ourselves from letting our ego take center stage? That's where the priority of relationships comes in! A healthy relationship with God and healthy relationships with others have the power to keep our commitments to the things and the tasks in our lives from getting out of balance.

From The Relationship Principles of Jesus

by Tom Holladay

I Want to Be Heard

God wants us to talk to him, and we want him to listen. The Psalmist says, "I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me" (Psalm 77:1–2). In addition, God wants us to hear him: "Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live" (Isaiah 55:3). In order to connect with God and with each other, we must talk to God and to each other — and we want to know that both God and other people hear us, because being heard is a clue that we are fully known.

From The Seven Desires of Every Heart

by Mark & Debra Laaser

Any comments or testimonies today?

Listen with Your Heart

Sometimes, the people we care about the most are often the ones who seem to have the hardest time hearing us. (Conversely, sometimes we have a difficult time listening to those we love the most.) To complicate the issue further, really hearing someone always involves more than just understanding facts or issues. Listening involves hearing the heart of someone — hearing someone's feelings. In our counseling practice, we've found that very few people have the skill to identify, much less share, their emotions. Learning to listen to others' feelings and thoughts and to share our own will increase our intimacy with one another.

From The Seven Desires of Every Heart

by Mark & Debra Laaser

Any comments or testimonies today?

Word Choice Matters

If someone had tried to tell me thirty-five years ago that my effectiveness as a leader would often hinge on something as "inconsequential" as word choice, I'd have rolled my eyes and written them off. "As long as I can convey an idea in general terms that everyone can understand," I would have said, "I'll do just fine."

And I would have been dead wrong.

The truth is, leaders rise and fall by the language they use. Sometimes whole visions live or die on the basis of the words the leader chooses for articulating that vision.

From Axiom: Powerful Leadership Proverbs 

by Bill Hybels

Any comments or testimonies today?

"Happy Marriages Are Based on a Deep Friendship"

"It is not a lack of love," said Friedrich Nietzsche, "but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages." We tend to agree. And so do a lot of other social scientists. In fact, world-renowned marriage researcher John Gottman of the University of Washington told us one day over lunch: "Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship."

And get this, Gallup's research indicates that a couple's friendship quality could account for 70 percent of overall marital satisfaction. In fact, the emotional intimacy a married couple shares is said to be five times more important than their physical intimacy. And, of course, your level of emotional intimacy has a lot to do with your physical intimacy. So, in a sense, if trading places can boost the quality of your friendship, that means it will, by default, ignite your love life too.

From Trading Places: The Best Move You'll Ever Make in Your Marriage

by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

Any comments or testimonies today?

Trade in the Blame Game for Positive Solutions

Let's face it. Conflict is inevitable. After all, it takes very little for the fur to fly in most marriages. We end up arguing about silly little things: "Who took my pen?" Or "You just passed a parking space right there!" Such seemingly innocuous questions and statements, when augmented with a particular attitude, can ignite a major blowout. It's almost unavoidable. We can't eliminate conflict completely—not if we are being authentic with our feelings. But empathy can reduce conflict's lifespan and minimize its negative impact. How does empathy do this for us? By trading in the blame game for positive solutions.

From Trading Places: The Best Move You'll Ever Make in Your Marriage

by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

Any comments or testimonies today?

improving

A little-known secret among marriage specialists is the fact that complaining is actually good for your marriage. You read that right! It's good for your marriage. Research at the University of Washington has shown that complaining, at a moderate level, helps couples air their grievances and keep improving. What isn't helpful to a marriage is criticism.

So what's the difference between criticism and complaining? Criticism almost always begins with you ("You always make us late!"), whereas complaining almost always begins with I ("I feel so frustrated when we are late to something that matters to me"). This may seem like a small matter of semantics, but it makes a big difference in your marriage.

From Trading Places: The Best Move You'll Ever Make in Your Marriage

by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

Any comments or testimonies today?